This has to go down as the weirdest October of my adult life.  You see, I am obsessed with Halloween.  Have been since I was a youngster.   In most years, I spend the tenth month of the calendar going to pumpkin patches, attending fall festivals, inhaling scary movies like Snoop Dogg inhales weed, and watching the Packers win football games.  I guess 4 out of 5 ain't bad.  I have watched a lot of horrifying things this month.  Ghouls, goblins, ghosts, devils, witches.  Hell, I even watched Paris Hilton attempt to act.  But nothing this October has been as ghastly to behold as this Green Bay Packers team.  Listen, most weeks we meet here and recap the previous week's game, make a bunch of forced pop culture references, and try to find four things that all Packers fans can agree upon for the week.  Unfortunately, this week I think there is really only one thing upon which we can all agree--this team is bad.  And, if they don't get really good really fast, this Packers season is going to have about as long a lifespan as a couple of randy teens at Camp Crystal Lake when Jason Voorhees is having a bad day.  So, in lieu of your regularly scheduled program, I thought we would switch it up this week in honor of Halloween, and pick four horror movie corollaries that sum up this roundly disappointing start to the Green Bay Packers 2022 football season. 

• Corollary #1--It: Chapter One and Chapter Two

Based on Stephen King's bestselling 1986 novel of the same name, It's plot revolves around a demonic clown who lures victims into the sewer and steals their souls.  And, if there is a better way to describe Aaron Rodgers and Matt LaFleur's insistence on favoring the passing game to riding Aaron Jones and AJ Dillon, I haven't seen it.  Matt LaFleur is an ardent acolyte of the Church of Analytics.  We know this to be true.  Here is a fun fact--The Packers are 31-3 when Aaron Jones gets 15 total touches.  They are 10-8 when he gets 14 or fewer touches.  And, if I know this stat, then you damn sure Matt knows this stat.  I don't know what point LaFleur and Rodgers think they are proving by continually forcing low-percentage throws to receivers that wouldn't start at most SEC schools, instead of handing the damn ball off to their most talented player and forcing teams to adjust their defensive schemes accordingly.   It's gone beyond curiosity.  It is now bordering on coaching malpractice. 

Is anybody else sick of hearing the term "Run Solution" (somebody needs to make a superclip on YouTube of all the times LaFleur and Rodgers have used the phrase this season)?  It's this new thing the Packers do when they option out of a run for Jones and Dillon, and switch to a pass play.  And, it sucks.  The Packers have had a penchant for making things more complicated than they need to be lately.  Even down to renaming things that already have perfectly good names.  Like changing the name of gunners of special teams to "flyers".  Ugh.  Or, adjusting the nomenclature of special teams to "WE-fense".  We-fense sounds like something an adorable 8-year-old with a slight speech impediment would say.  Rich Bisaccia is not an adorable 8-year-old.  Spoiler alert--At the end of the movie It, The Loser's Club (that's the name of the group of kids the demonic clown is chasing), realize that to defeat The Clown (his name is Pennywise), they have to recognize their fear and stand up to it.  This is the only way to set themselves free from Pennywise' spell.  Maybe Matt and Aaron could watch It Chapters 1 and 2 over one of their customary Wednesday FaceTime meetings (I know Rodgers loves to read, but the book is like 7000 pages long).  And, just maybe, these two genius-level football minds can find strength in The Loser's bravery and finally face their fear--the fear that Green Bay may no longer be a spread passing team.

• Corallary #2--The Ring

The Ring, an American remake of a truly amazing Japanese horror film called Ringu, was released on October 18, 2002.  There is a specific reason I remember this exact date.  You see, my sister went to see The Ring on opening night with a group of her friends.  That night, she was so scared she couldn't sleep.  And, she actually had my mom come sleep in her room with her.  I know what you are thinking--That's not that weird, Tim.  A lot of pre-teens get scared at movies.  Your mom sounds like a great lady (she is!).  I guess I left out a crucial aspect of this story--My sister was EIGHTEEN.  She had freaking graduated from high school already.  She had a car payment.  And, a job.  She was a damn college student.  And, her mom, who we have already established is an absolute angel, had to come and sleep on the floor in her room.  This story still makes me laugh very hard, even 20 years later.  Sorry for the digression.  Back to the Packers.

The Ring is built around a simple concept--That there exists an illicit videotape, and, if you watch it, upon completion, you get a phone call.  The voice on the other end of the line simply says "Seven Days", then hangs up.  Seven days later you die.  Scary?  Sure.  Scary enough to sleep with your mom?  Absolutely not.  The Ring is a film about cause and effect.  You watch the tape, you die.  You ask stupid questions, you get stupid answers.  You trade Davante Adams, your offense gets worse.  Much worse.  We Packer fans watched the video in March.  The disembodied voice was kind enough to hold off giving us a shout until late October.  What a mensch.

None of us can claim we didn't see this coming.  Hell, I wrote two articles about this in the summer.  I get that Davante Adams requested a trade. And, in all honesty, Green Bay probably got fair market value for Adams.  But, there is market value, then there is team value.  Green Bay could have received 10 draft picks, and it wouldn't have plugged the enormous crater that losing the best receiver in the NFL left in this Packers offense.  You see Adams value every time our new receivers run the wrong routes and bump into each other.  You feel his void every time a deep pass gets dropped.  You experience his loss on every unrealized third-down attempt.   Adams ghost haunts the Packers like the freaky girl with the dirty hair haunts the people dumb enough to watch the forbidden video in The Ring.

This failure falls directly on Brian Gutekunst brown leather loafers.  Not understanding the value Adams held was a fundamental failure.  Not trying to replace his production was a catastrophe.  Davante Adams was a Ruth's Chris steak.  We tried to replace him with a bunch of McDonald's Dollar Menu items.  I am not giving up on  Doubs and Watson.  They are both young.  They are both learning, growing, and finding their way in this Matt LaFleur system.  It's not their collective fault that they aren't Davante Adams.  Nobody is.  I blame Gutekunst for not understanding the body blow he was dealing the offensive unit when he pulled the trigger on that deal.  I blame him for not addressing the issue with more creativity and aggression throughout the offseason.  And, I blame him for not anticipating Rodgers and LaFleur's reticence to adjust the scheme.  And, if the Packers lose to the Bills this weekend, the phone call from the disembodied voice may be following shortly thereafter. 

• Corollary #3--An American Werewolf In London

Full disclosure--An American Werewolf In London is my favorite movie of all time.  You think these weekly articles are long?  You should see the dissertation I wrote on this movie in college.  I think my Film Studies teacher is still reading it.  This one's a stretch.  I get it.   I own it.  I just had to squeeze in my favorite horror movie (if you haven't seen it, stop reading this immediately and go watch it on Amazon).  An American Werewolf In London is the story of two American college students who go backpacking through Europe and get attacked by a lycanthrope.  Only one of the boys survives and is doomed to become a werewolf on the next full moon.  Long story short, the boy (David Kessler) does indeed become a werewolf on the next full moon and goes on a bloody (and bloody satisfying) rampage through the streets of London. 

How in the hell does this relate to the Packers you ask?  Great question.  The last full moon took place on October 9th.  The Packers played the New York Giants on October 9th.  That game took place in, you guessed it, London!!!  Listen, I told you it was a stretch.  But, follow me around here.  The Packers entered London high on the hog, with wins over Tom Brady and Bill Belichick in back-to-back weeks.  They were attacked by a giant beast of a creature (I mean, is there any other way to describe Brian Dabol?), and they haven't been the same since.  Perhaps Aaron Rodgers is going to sprout hair (Good God, I sure hope so!) and giant fangs on November 9th (the next full moon), and we will go on an absolute rampage.  One can only hope.  Or, perhaps, we end up naked and bleeding in a London alleyway.  Either way, it's better than where we are now.  Don't think too deeply on this one.

• Corollary #4--Halloween Ends

Dusty Evely is going to be mad at me for this (if you aren't watching Dusty Evely's weekly videos, are you even really a Packers fan?).  The original Halloween film is a true American classic.  The simple story of a purely evil entity named Michael Myers who stalks the streets of Haddonfield, Illinois on Halloween night, attacking babysitters and leaving a five-decade-long path of death, destruction, and money in his path.  So much money.  Halloween Ends is the 13th installment in the Halloween film series.  And, in this case, 13 did not mean good luck.  I watched this movie a few weeks ago to get me in the Halloween mood.  Do you know what it got me in the mood for?  A nap.  It was unoriginal, uninspired, ludicrous, and craven.  And that is the film's good qualities. 

Both the Packers, and Halloween Ends, are built around the talents of one man with a regrettable hairdo.  Both entities have become a little long in the tooth, recently.  They both have become stale in their execution.  And, both Green Bay and the Halloween franchise tend to do their best work in the month of October. 

One thing that worries me about the LaFleur Era going forward is the recent track record of Sean McVay, and the track records of the Sean McVay coaching tree.  The McVay/Shananhan offensive system has taken the NFL by storm over the last several years, with it's tentacles reaching across nearly half the NFL at this point.  The Vikings, the Jets, the Chargers, the 49ers, the Dolphins, the Bengals, the Bears, the Seahawks, the Broncos, and the Commanders offensive schemes are all being ran by students of the McVay/Shanahan braintrust.  What else do those teams have in common?  Each one of their offenses are struggling mightily this season.  As is generally the case, the NFL has come up with, if not a solution, at least a hand workaround for this McVay scheme.  The Packers are the quintessential poster child for this regression. 

I love Matt LaFleur.  I think he has done a great job as the Packer's head coach.  I appreciate his work ethic, his flawless eyebrows, and his copy-and-paste press conferences after losses.  But, I worry about what his value is once this scheme is rendered obsolete by ever-evolving NFL defenses.  Does Matt LaFleur have the temerity and in-ward view to adjust his scheme to the changing NFL defensive landscape?  So far I would say no.

The Halloween film franchise was built on Michael Myers walking slow and carrying a really big knife.  The producers and creators of that franchise never learned how to pivot.  Had they leaned into the direction of Halloween III: Season of the Witch and tried to take the franchise, perhaps Halloween Ends wouldn't have been so inert.  Matt LaFleur needs to find his pivot, or risk being stuck like Michael Myers--same outfit, same big knife, same tepid results.

• Tricks and Treats

Is Peter Bukowski the Dr. Loomis of the Green Bay Packers fanbase?

Our receivers have dropped 12 passes in the past two weeks.  These dudes couldn't catch covid in a Wuhan wet market.

Tom Clements rated Aaron Rodgers game against the Commanders as his best of the year.   Clements also thinks St Anger is Metallica's best album.

This offense is like a restored 1969 Pontiac Firebird.  Looks great.  Expensive.  Brittle.  Almost impossible to keep running.

Aaron Rodgers is trolling us with these post-game press conference outfits, right?  Dude rolled into his Sunday presser like he was cosplaying as Jared Leto's character from Blade Runner 2049.

Jaire Alexander must be a hell of a nice guy.  He let Terry McLaurin eat his lunch for free all day Sunday.

Amari Rodgers could use a hand on punt returns.  More specifically, a hand covered in Krazy Glue.

I have been fighting a pretty nasty cold this week, so this could be the Gary Busey-level of drugs I am on talking right now, but I think the Packers are going to beat Buffalo on Sunday night. 

It's definitely the drugs.

GO PACK GO!!!