It's Christmas week, folks, and I have but one question for my fellow Packers brethren and sistren (sistren? is that a word?  You must forgive me--It's been a while since I stepped foot in a church)--What in the name of Santa's rosy red ass cheeks are we supposed to glean from that Rams game?  Judging by the reaction around the interwebs on Monday night, you would think the Packers had turned some major corner coming off of that win over the Rams.  Have our expectations as a fanbase been so dulled by this thankless trek of a season that we are now seal-clapping for a win at home, coming off a bye, over the Los Angeles Rams' second string?  

Now, I don't want to sound like a petulant child that didn't get a PlayStation 5 on Christmas morning, but, holy shit.  That game was the football equivalent of getting a new tie for Christmas.  And, not a particularly snazzy tie.  The Green Bay Packers are the winningest team in NFL history.  We have a four-time MVP quarterbacking us.  We have one of the, "on paper", most talented rosters in the entire National Football League.  Why are we acting like a puppy that went an entire night without tinkling on the living room carpet?  Listen, I was happy to see our rookies ball out, particularly Devonte Wyatt and Quay Walker.  But, rookies are supposed to show out in preseason games.  And, make no mistake--that Rams roster was nothing but a glorified preseason roster.  Had our rookies not performed against this collection of future personal trainers and long-haul truck drivers that were cosplaying as football players on Monday night, I would have been pretty damn worried.  

Most weeks in this vaunted corner of Packers bloviating, we list four takeaways from the previous game that we can all kind of agree on.  But, writing an article about beating a double amputee in an arm wrestling match sounds about as much fun as choking down an entire gallon of egg nog.  So, in the spirit of the season, I thought we would compare various members of Packers personnel to their corresponding Christmas movie doppelgangers.  Ya know, for S's and G's (trying to watch my language--Santa is watching!).

• Matt LaFleur--Clark W. Griswold Jr. (National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation)

What do we know about Clark Griswold?  Well, we know he has terrible taste in football teams.  We know he is not well-versed in exterior illumination.  And, we know he can't see the line.  What else do we know?  At his core, Clark Griswold is a family man.   And, if there is one thing I am damn certain of about Matt LaFleur it is his dedication to and love for his family.  

Let's be honest--watching Matt attempt to navigate this woeful Packers squad through this season from Hell has been eerily similar to Clark Griswold running through his warzone of a house with a squirrel clinging to his cardigan.  Both Matt and Clark have to deal with co-workers who think a lot of themselves (Aaron Rodgers for LaFleur, Bill From Accounting for Clark).  Both have family members who are less successful (Mike LaFleur and Cousin Eddie).  Both have two kids.  Both have blonde wives.   Matt strikes me as the kind of guy who would surprise his family by putting in a swimming pool in a town where you can only utilize said pool for about 6 weeks out of the year.  And, while Matt is much better at controlling his temper than Clark, he always seems like he is about one sideways question from sawing off his own rail post.  

• Jordan Love--Tim Allen (The Santa Clause) 

You know J Lo is just waiting for Santa to finally fall off the roof and give him a chance at finding out if the suit actually fits.  

• Rich Bisaccia--Mr Magoo (Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol)

Both bald.  Both short.  Both have gruff voices.  Plus, you would have to be blind to keep trotting out Amari Rodgers for punt returns when you had Keisean Nixon sitting RIGHT THERE.

• Mark Murphy--Mad Magazine 2016 Stocking Stuffer Cover

The image speaks for itself.  Moving on.

• Aaron Rodgers--Bing Crosby

​​​​​​​Aaron Rodgers has often spoken of White Christmas, citing it as his favorite Christmas movie.  Also, Rodgers is the only member of the Packers team who was old enough to see White Christmas in its original theatrical run.  I kid.  Bing Crosby was 52 years old when he made White Christmas.  The rest of the cast of that perfect flick were in their early thirties.  Aaron Rodgers is 39.  The majority of his supporting cast are in their late 20s.  Bing and Aaron both share a love of verbose vocabulary.  They both had a passion for horse racing.  They both attended prestigious west coast universities.  They both support the use of "plant medicine".  Bing Crosby is quite possibly the best singer of all time.  Aaron Rodgers is quite possibly the best football thrower of all time.  Between the two of them, I think they made enough money to buy Luxembourg.  I have two posters on the wall in my office.  One is Aaron Rodgers.  The other is Bing Crosby (every Irishman over 40 has a picture of Bing somewhere in their house).  Hell, Rodgers even owns one of Bing Crosby's old jackets.  Is this comparison a tad sweaty?  This whole damn article is sweaty.  Stop asking stupid questions.  NEXT.

• Joe Barry--Ebenezer Scrooge (Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol)

​​​​​​​Did you watch the Rams game?  Like, really watch it?  The defense looked good.  Sure, they were squaring off against an offensive unit that would struggle to score in the SEC, but I digress.  The thing I can't wash out of my mind from that game?  3rd and 16.  Soft zone shell coverage.  18-yard completion.  3rd and 15.  Yet another far-too-generous zone.  Yet another 17-yard completion.  Four times the Packers got the Rams into 3rd and forever situations, and four times Barry trotted out the same stupid-ass zone and gave up easy first downs.  This motherfoghorner could be visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve, each detailing the error of his play-calling ways, wake up in a cold sweat in Miami, and still call a Pampers-soft zone on 3rd and 6 that afternoon.  I hope the Ghost of Christmas Future has a pink slip for Ol' Joe.  

• Brett Favre--Jacob Marley (Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol)

​​​​​​​Robbed from the widows?  Check.

Swindled the poor?  Check.

• Parting Shot

​​​​​​​Eight years ago, I got this awesome new job.  The hours sucked (24/7/365).  And, the gig has cost me more than I could ever make back (unless my daughter becomes some world-famous Instagram influencer--trust me, it's not out of the realm).  And, I have had to replace my standard Nat King Cole Christmas Album with endless streams of Ariana Grande's "Tell Me Santa" (haven't heard it?  Just imagine the pain of getting a root canal with no novocaine and you are about a third of the way there!).  The job has its perks.  I get macaroni and cheese leftovers every night.  I have an excuse for eating ice cream for lunch on Fridays.  And, I have a second vote against my wife when she tries to make taco soup in the middle of summer.  Being a parent is great every day, but being a parent at Christmas time is the all-time best.

It's not the presents that make this season magical.  It's not the decorations, either.  Nor a fat guy in a red suit that most pimps in the 1970s would have found garish.  Nor is it the Packers' impending win over the Miami Dolphins. It's children that make Christmas magical.  Their innocence.  Their honestly.  Their hope.  Adults are cynical.  Hardened.  Worn down by the weight of the world.  And, the weight of, well, weight.  Not kids though.  If you want to see joy in its purest form, just look in any kid's face over the next four days.  You can't bottle that type of happiness.  It's magic.  

I say that to say this--In 2017, there were 500 homeless and guardian-less children in Wisconsin.  That number swelled to 800 in 2021.  Children who have been placed in the most difficult of positions, forced to make choices that most adults would struggle to navigate.  Kids who would give anything to rekindle that holiday magic.  

The House of Hope in Green Bay has been providing care for these children for the last several decades.  It's not just care that they provide, though.  They provide hope.  And, often, opportunity.  The House of Hope needs help year-round, but they are especially grateful for assistance during the holidays.  I know this time of year can be unyieldingly busy and unforgivably stressful, but, if you have any spare time/money/resources that you care to share over the next several days, stop by their location at 1660 Christiana Street in Green Bay, Wisconsin, or visit www.houseofhopegb.org/wish-list to make a donation or see what items they are currently in need of.  All kids deserve to have good Christmases.  Help give these kids a reason to believe in the magic once again.  

"But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, Happy Christmas to all (except the Miami Dolphins), and to all a good night!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND GO PACK GO!!!