Surviving Sunday: Packers news, notes and links for the football deprived

The main thing worth noting in Packers news this week is the release of the 2016 NFL schedule.

One of the silliest and most useless things a blogger or reporter can do is try to pick each and every game for a team’s upcoming season as soon as the schedule is released. So, naturally, that’s what I’m going to do for today’s Surviving Sunday.

For the first time ever, I am not picking the Packers to go 16-0. Yes, I managed to find a few losses on the schedule, surprisingly. My predictions also include details on a shirtless Mike McCarthy, “Pee Pee Gate” and a failed trade attempt for J.J. Watt.

Intrigued? Read on for details.

Week 1: Packers 44, Jaguars 2
It’s going to be a hot one in Florida for the season opener against the lowly Jaguars. Mike McCarthy will coach the entire game while sitting in a kiddie pool wearing nothing but a cheesehead over his nether region and sipping a Miller High Life. The Jags scored two points when Eddie Lacy saw McCarthy wearing a cheesehead as a swimsuit, became temporarily blind and ran out the back of the Packers' end zone for a safety.

Week 2: Packers 18, Vikings 0
Several thousand Packers fans are arrested before the game for urinating on the Vikings’ new stadium. Because so many Packers fans were arrested, Zygi’s new palace is half-empty for its first regular season game. In a sign of solidarity with Cheesehead Nation, Sam Shields returns a Teddy Bridgewater interception for a touchdown, then pees on the new stadium’s goal post.

Week 3: Packers 74, Lions 0
The Packers are still angry about losing to the Lions at home last season, so they run up the score big time in this one. In a special pregame ceremony, the Packers give former Lions running back Barry Sanders a commemorative plaque for his performance in the 1995 Wild Card playoff game against the Packers (13 carries, minus-1 yard). Note: Shields was suspended for this game for his role in what becomes known as “Pee Pee Gate.”

Week 4: Bye
Packers players and coaches spend the entire bye week writing guest posts for CheeseheadTV. The week culminates in a special post from Ted Thompson explaining his philosophy on signing outside free agents. Ted’s post is five words long.

Week 5: Giants 3, Packers 0
The Packers lose coming off the bye week because they’re too busy reading the CheeseheadTV comments section from their bye week guest posts. And the Giants are one of those teams the Packers always struggle with for some reason.

Week 6: Packers 46, Cowboys 8
By this time, Tony Romo will be injured and replaced by Johnny Manziel, half the Cowboys roster will be in prison, and the Packers will roll.

Week 7: Packers 66, Bears 5
Remember when Jay Cutler didn’t throw multiple dumb interceptions and the Bears beat the Packers on Brett Favre night last season? Unfortunately, I do because I was sitting in the rain and sleet-soaked stands watching the entire debacle unfold. Cutler gets back on track in this Thursday night game, throwing one interception to each starting Packers defensive player in a route.

Week 8: Falcons 55, Packers 54
The Packers defense is tired from returning all those Cutler interceptions from the previous week. Plus, the Packers defense always has at least one game per season where they inexplicably forget to cover the other team’s best receiver for the entire game. In this case, Julio Jones catches 22 passes for 367 yards and five touchdowns.

Week 9: Packers 7, Colts 6
This is one of those games where everyone predicts a shootout, but gets a sloppy defensive struggle instead. The Packers defense is fully recovered from burning so much energy returning Cutler’s interceptions and holds on for the win.

Week 10: Packers 103, Titans 0
Everyone is complaining about the Packers early bye week. Well, McCarthy rests his starters and treats this game like a bonus late-season bye week. The best part? Brett Hundley starts and throws for 602 yards and 10 touchdowns, ensuring that Thompson will be able to trade Hundley to the Browns in the offseason and rip them off for several first-round picks.

Week 11: Packers 103, Redskins 0
With the Packers’ starters fully rested after the late-season bye against the Titans, the No. 1s return and set a record by becoming the first team in NFL history to win back-to-back games by a score of 103-0.

Week 12: Packers 103, Eagles 0
The Packers break their own record and become the first team to win three consecutive games by a score of 103-0.

Week 13: Packers 62, Texans 14
J.J. Watt holds a pregame news conference where he begs Ted Thompson to trade for him and bring him back to Wisconsin. Ted offers the Texans a fifth-round pick and Don Barclay for Watt. For some reason the Texans turn down Ted’s generous offer. No matter, the Packers roll again and overcome Watt sacking Aaron Rodgers seven times and returning two fumbles for touchdowns.

Week 14: Packers 81, Seachickens 0
Russell Wilson thanks God after the game that no Seachickens players were killed during that mauling.

Week 15: Bears 17, Packers 16
You know the Packers will lose a late-season game for no apparent reason to an inferior opponent. This will be that game. Fortunately, Randall Cobb narrowly avoids getting impaled on a spike randomly sticking out of Soldier Field’s muddy “turf” while diving for a first in the second quarter.

Week 16: Packers 93, Vikings 0
Several thousand Vikings fans make the trek to Lambeau Field, pledging to pee on the historic stadium in an act of revenge from week 2’s “Pee Pee Gate.” However, Vikings fans are lightweights and pass out after drinking three Coors Lights while listening to Nickelback and Creed at their pregame tailgate. By the time they wake up, the Packers have beaten the Vikings by 93 points. Teddy Bridgewater is so disheartened he announces his retirement while conducting a sideline interview during the second quarter.

Week 17: Packers 87, Lions 2
Joe Buck and Troy Aikman get so bored during this game that they join Twitter and start firing back at all the Packers fans who incessantly complain about them. Meanwhile, the Packers roll.

Non-Packers links and other nonsense

  • Book recommendation: “Indentured: The Inside Story of the Rebellion Against the NCAA.” The authors obviously set out to crap on the NCAA, but their bias doesn’t bother me too much in this one. The NCAA deserves what Joe Nocera and Ben Strauss give it.
  • Author Gay Talease is writing a book about a guy who bought a motel strictly to spy on his guests. He did this for more than 21 years. Yes, it’s as creepy, weird, mind-boggling and fascinating as it sounds. Now the question is, can I read this book without feeling like an awful human being?
  • Don’t forget to get your CheeseheadTV 2016 Pro Football Draft Guide.
  • Cancer update: My CT scan results on Monday did not show any further growth of my cancer. The oncologist said I am “stable” and that the cancer freight train, which was spreading and speeding throughout my body at 100 MPH, has been slowed down to zero. The first two months of chemotherapy have been effective. This is the first bit of positive news we have received in this fight. I wrote about it, along with some thoughts about learning to live with cancer, in my latest Caring Bridge post. Again, thank you all for the thoughts and prayers.
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Comments (23)

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Bearmeat's picture

April 17, 2016 at 06:29 am

Awesome Adam. We are still praying for you. Keep kickin ass!!

PS: Your breakdown of the first Vikings game made me laugh so hard I started tearing up!

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NickPerry's picture

April 17, 2016 at 07:15 am

Glad to hear the positive news Adam, keep it up. My prayers are with you and your family.

The post was excellent Adam and we're in agreement, Barclay and a 5th rounder seem about right from Ted.

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ray nichkee's picture

April 17, 2016 at 07:18 am

Yep, that's just about what i was thinking when i saw the schedule. Ted will get smart this year and only draft players that grew up in florida to get an edge on the jaguars in the heat.

Let's pool our money together to bail out all those arrested in MN. If there's any money left over we have Sam's football cased in green and gold.

Good stuff and I'm glad to hear some good news, Adam. Keep it going. Fuck cancer. I like to see someone with a serious and realistic approach to predictions in the offseason.

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EdsLaces's picture

April 17, 2016 at 08:25 am

My aunt just finished her 6 months of chemo and found out that even with her very rare fast spreading type of breast cancer (that I forget the name of) she is by some miracle cancer free. Doesn't even have to do the radiation....Amazing things like that happen all the time. Keep up the good fight man. Go pack go.

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EdsLaces's picture

April 17, 2016 at 08:26 am

And the part about half the Cowboys in prison with Johnny Football at qb was quite hilarious.

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Since'61's picture

April 17, 2016 at 09:01 am

Adam - good job on the predictions and more importantly great job on the cancer. Keep up the fight and best wishes for a complete recovery. Thanks, Since '61

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4thand1's picture

April 17, 2016 at 09:30 am

I see the Packers rewriting the offensive records books this year. Looks like a hell of a lot points Adam. Best wishes Adam, good piece and keep up the humor. laughter is the best medicine. The Packers will leave a lot of teams crying this year, including cowpie. AR MVP again. 63 td's 1 pick.

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Jimi Falk's picture

April 17, 2016 at 09:49 am

This is some funny stuff.

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Ferrari Driver's picture

April 17, 2016 at 10:00 am

I think the game against the Vikings at MN will be a tough one. Fired up crowd; fired up team; and on the road after a hot trip to Florida.

Hope we win, but I wouldn't want to have the farm ridding on it.

Good news on the fight. I am following your progress on Caring Bridge. Still in my prayers.

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Gumbydoc's picture

April 17, 2016 at 10:42 am

"For sudden the worst turns the best to brave" (Robert Browning). Hang in there, Cheesehead.

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croatpackfan's picture

April 17, 2016 at 12:35 pm

The best part of your post is "My CT scan results on Monday did not show any further growth of my cancer. The oncologist said I am “stable” and that the cancer freight train, which was spreading and speeding throughout my body at 100 MPH, has been slowed down to zero. The first two months of chemotherapy have been effective."
Keep fighting. do not be Mike McCarthy. Do not have any mercy to the cancer. Not just stop it, kill it. Do not let cancer to reborn again... I'm with you, supporting you in this heavy game...

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jeremyjjbrown's picture

April 17, 2016 at 01:12 pm

"This is the first bit of positive news we have received in this fight."

We're all praying for more!

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Point-Packer's picture

April 17, 2016 at 01:26 pm

Speaking of Don Barclay, if he alone make the 53 this year, the off-season will and should be considered a failure.

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croatpackfan's picture

April 17, 2016 at 03:23 pm

Don Barclay is FA. Packers did not sign him...

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chugwater's picture

April 17, 2016 at 05:54 pm

I don't think we sign him unless there are a slew of injuries. Nagler thinks he's a better guard than tackle.

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Point-Packer's picture

April 17, 2016 at 11:05 pm

Yeah, we just re-signed him. Absurd. Only thing dumber than MM marching him out to either tackle position in front of Tretter, is TT wasting a roster spot on this guy.

Guy would not be in the NFL if it were not for TT.

Awful. Just awful.

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Point-Packer's picture

April 17, 2016 at 11:06 pm

Oh, and neither of you know your ass from your elbow. Clearly.

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marpag1's picture

April 18, 2016 at 02:12 am

At least they didn't say anything as pathetically and laughably asinine as ... "if Barclay makes the 53 the whole offseason should be considered a failure." Do you not realize what a brain dead comment that is??

My only question with you is if you are actively trying to be the most unpleasant person on the planet or if it's just your nature. Either way, kudos on the achievement.

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croatpackfan's picture

April 18, 2016 at 05:31 am

Damn. I thought he is done with Packers...

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chugwater's picture

April 17, 2016 at 05:53 pm

Would love for the Texans prediction to be true. I will be attending that game, and it would be fun to see JJ in green and gold...god bless Adam.

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Thegreatreynoldo's picture

April 17, 2016 at 07:41 pm

Happy to read about the positive health news and the funny article.

You do seem do have a fixation on safeties. I read that it is now possible to score a single point.

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Tundraboy's picture

April 17, 2016 at 08:39 pm

So glad to hear the good news Adam I completely skipped over the football to check today. That is what's really important in life

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lucky953's picture

April 17, 2016 at 11:35 pm

I admire your courage. Keep fighting, and keep writing.

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